Danny the Guru Cat

winnie's words - l'amour sans frontieres

Hey. Winnie again. Just spent an hour on G's lap while his Lordship was checking his manor. We watched a Gaither xmas show he'd recorded. I've told you about them before, and how he isn't a christian, but he likes the country music. He loves the melodies that a lot of songs don't have anymore. At the end, they had a man playing a carol called Silent Night on what G said was a harmonica. G's eyes were watering. I don't why his eyes were watering as I'm not scabby at the moment, so he shouldn't be allergic to me now. Then he started singing it to me, but in strange words I haven't heard him use before. He said after that even though he doesn't believe the nativity story as it's portrayed, it was still a very important carol, and he'd sung it to me in another language that other people use called German...

in which we discuss - fkn txt spk

He's finished working on the Underground now. I hate it, coz he's chilled right out and don't rant nearly as much as he used to, and I do so love his rants. He does have one regular gripe that came up again over xmas, coz everyone was texting him. He hates text speak. He even hates writing 'don't' instead of 'doesn't' in the context above, but it's how he speaks so I make him do it. He really hates writing coz instead of 'because' as well, but I make him do that too COZ he's soft, and COZ of that I make him do whatever I want and he DON'T even know it! Anyway, he got tons (or tonnes if you're reading this in foreign) of texts from people. He had to save them all to answer them, coz he's the only jerk left on the planet that replies with 'big words' and even puts in the punctuation where it should go. "Thanks for a lovely day" can take him half an hour to text. He has virtually zero thumb dexterity, and he still has to poke his tongue out as he looks for keys like he does when he's colouring in. Sometimes I help him half way through a text, and that's when he does magic - and makes a phone fly...

in which we discuss - territorial disputes.. "The Showdown"

See this blog? It's mine innit? That's why I really don't like it when I'm out securing my perimeters and Winnie hijacks it with gooey crap. She thought she'd got away with it. I have a chunk of fur in my paw that comes from where the scab is on her head right now, that would suggest otherwise. She's not the only cat who made that mistake with me. Softboy was sorting out his library the other day, and he has a load of Geoff Thompson books. Geoff Thompson should have been a cat, coz he's 'ard, but he'll snooze on his wife Sharon's lap too. While he was sorting the books out, he was listening again to the audio version of Geoff's first book "Watch my back". It was pucker, and I really enjoyed it. You can get it at www.geoffthompson.com Softboy trained a bit with Geoff earlier this year, but he's still a woose. Now me and Geoff, we have stuff in common. We can 'ave it, but we'd rather have a peaceful life. I've had battles too, so I thought I'd write about mine. There used to be a big white and grey moose-like critter that lived around here whose-name-what-they-called-him was Basil. He used to test my boundaries a lot. One day, he pushed the limits, and I unleashed all kinds of hell on his arse. It's known by all the other cats locally as "The showdown"..

in which we discuss - love n trees

Us cats love trees (yeah, I know that should be "we" cats love trees, but it's my blog, so live with it ok?). We hunt from them, rest in them, observe from them and leave messages on them. You see us scratching our scratchy posts, and you think we are "sharpening our claws". A human told you that crap, not a cat. You blunt things by hacking trees with them, you don't sharpen them. When birds wipe their beaks on branches, they aren't sharpening them either. They do it because they have to wipe worm skank off of them, and they don't have sleeves. We leave messages on trees with a kind of feline braille, and by leaving pheromones behind. Dogs pee up them. That's because dogs are a bit neanderthal, and plain gross. You people think it's cute how we do the natural stuff because you think you're a bit above all that. Shyeah, right. There's more to trees than meets the eye, and you lot are more like us than you realise. Like Daisies are a metaphor for life (see Cat Chat), trees are a metaphor for love, but you lot already knew that didn't you......?

Winnie's words - a love story

Hello, it's Winnie. I just sneaked in while Dan is out owning the neighbourhood. I just wanted to say that he is very uncouth, rude, abrupt and sometimes just plain insufferable - but I love him because it's what makes him Dan. I think he's too hard on G. I won't use his-name-what-they-call-him as I don't want to embarass him, but I'm certainly not calling him 'Softboy'. That is just so rude! He's kind to us, and sometimes when Dan isn't owning the house, we get some squeeze time. The other day he was looking through some old photos. He saw I was interested (I was sat on the coffee table next to him) and he told me a story. It was a love story. I asked him to share it...

In which we discuss Spring and rebirth

I love Spring. I entered Softboy’s life in the Spring. He was in his kitchen when he heard a knock on the door. When he opened it, I bestowed upon him the benefit of my presence. Him and the lady Fitcat who he was with then had four other cats already. It was chow-time, that’s why I picked my time when I did. They got Felix, not supermarket manky-skank. I went into the kitchen and joined the chowdown. Softboy was well impressed as I was only a few weeks old, and all the other cats were giants. He said “He’s like Daniel in the lion’s den. He doesn’t give a toss does he? His-name-what-he-shall-be-called is Daniel.”      
Whatever. He could call me whatever he wanted, as long as he didn’t call me late for chowdown. After chow, I got on his lap and snoozed. My life began that Spring. If you are going to be reborn, do it when nature is working with you. You people seem to want to always change the world, or alter nature. You never have, and you never will. Only your own natures maybe?