Danny the Guru Cat

in which we discuss - excuses

Alright? You might have seen me and Winnie talking about his taking action once in a blue moon on new years eve. If you didn't then get with the programme, coz after today you and him only have 364 days left this year to get your acts together! I made him have the day off today. He was going plastering, but I slept right across the bed and he couldn't get comfortable as Winnie took up most of the rest. That meant the aches and pains he had from doing that ceiling yesterday were still there when he woke up. It's the only way I can focus him, but then he started bitching about being stiff. I got him on the computer to show him some things he needed to see. Share them around a bit. It's not only him that has a head fullof excuses where ideas for activity should be. You might be doing someone a favour passing this on..

cat chat - la luna

I feel really twitchy at the moment, really unsettled and I can't sit still. That's worms. He has pills for that, don't let him see you twitch or he'll look up your butt for worms, then start shoving pills down your neck. I don't have worms. I just feel like something is about to happen and a big change is about to come. Oh. That'll be constipation then. He has stuff for that too, but you're better off eating grass like I do, or he'll take you to the pervert vet who looks up your butt even if you go with earache. He should do summat about him. Oh Danny! Why does everything have to end up being about butts with you? It ain't me, it's that bloody vet. He's a sicko Win I'm telling you! Well he didn't keep looking up my butt when I had to be kept in the Vetspital for my skin problem. No, but you were coming apart at the seams weren't you? No-one with any sense would come near you at that time, 'cept Softy, and he used to get covered in some kind of icky skank off you when he did. Cat plague I think you had. Yes. Well that was then and this is now. It's in the past. I think that's why I feel twitchy. Nah, I'm telling you, it's a flea or summat. He has pills for that too. No, you're wrong. I'm sure it's the phase of the moon.....

winnie's words - l'amour sans frontieres

Hey. Winnie again. Just spent an hour on G's lap while his Lordship was checking his manor. We watched a Gaither xmas show he'd recorded. I've told you about them before, and how he isn't a christian, but he likes the country music. He loves the melodies that a lot of songs don't have anymore. At the end, they had a man playing a carol called Silent Night on what G said was a harmonica. G's eyes were watering. I don't why his eyes were watering as I'm not scabby at the moment, so he shouldn't be allergic to me now. Then he started singing it to me, but in strange words I haven't heard him use before. He said after that even though he doesn't believe the nativity story as it's portrayed, it was still a very important carol, and he'd sung it to me in another language that other people use called German...

in which we discuss - fkn txt spk

He's finished working on the Underground now. I hate it, coz he's chilled right out and don't rant nearly as much as he used to, and I do so love his rants. He does have one regular gripe that came up again over xmas, coz everyone was texting him. He hates text speak. He even hates writing 'don't' instead of 'doesn't' in the context above, but it's how he speaks so I make him do it. He really hates writing coz instead of 'because' as well, but I make him do that too COZ he's soft, and COZ of that I make him do whatever I want and he DON'T even know it! Anyway, he got tons (or tonnes if you're reading this in foreign) of texts from people. He had to save them all to answer them, coz he's the only jerk left on the planet that replies with 'big words' and even puts in the punctuation where it should go. "Thanks for a lovely day" can take him half an hour to text. He has virtually zero thumb dexterity, and he still has to poke his tongue out as he looks for keys like he does when he's colouring in. Sometimes I help him half way through a text, and that's when he does magic - and makes a phone fly...

Winnie's words - Teechurs

Hey. Winnie here. Excuse me "poking my snout in where it don't belong" as Danny would say, but I've noticed that he and G are back with a vengeance. I'd rather they were just back, and left the vengeance behind. However, you can't teach an old dog new tricks, and you can't teach a cocky cat anything, so I guess I just have to be the balance here. The blog needs balance. Dan can't give it that, because his definition of balance is "being able to walk the whole length of the fence, without slipping off and catching a serious splinter right up your arse". If you look up "uncouth" in the dictionary, you'll see a picture of Dan there.

Anyway, G was checking his e-mails this morning, and he and I were catching some quiet squeeze time whilst "the cat who is too hard for this planet" was venturing out into the garden for the first time in days - as he doesn't like wet and windy weather. G received one of the 'Simple Truth' e-mails, and it made him reminisce.  After watching it, he was telling me about the effect that teachers have on people, and teachers he has met. Some great, some really bad. I didn't quite understand the concept, as we pretty much have to fend for ourselves from a really early age, but I do understand good memories. I feel them when I'm padding-and-purring his chest when we all go to bed. The 'ard one does it too, but don't let him know I told you so. G gets really wistful when he talks about people he's known in the past, he has the Moon in Cancer in the first house forming a grand trine with Neptune in Scorpio and his Sun in Pisces in his tenth house, so he can't really help it he says. It meant nothing to me, but I liked hearing about his people anyway.... and I always love the way he fiddles with my ears when he goes back in time...

In which we discuss Shugyo and medals

He didn't arrive home from last night's work this morning - he burst in the door and threw his work mobile phone across the front room, slung his bag in to the corner. I got off of the most comfortable window sill ever, decided to say hello and jumped up on the worktop to say wassup?  "Do me a favour and don't hassle me now Dan, I really ain't in the mood for it!" And then he went off on one. Winnie nearly broke the catflap on the way out just from looking at his face. Storming up and down he was, using them words that people don't use in polite company - or not that loudly anyway. Banging cupboard doors, then ran upstairs to get changed and started spanking the punchbag so hard and swearing the neighbours must have thought he was being mugged. He came back down to the kitchen where I was reading the paper he'd slung on the top by the kettle. I looked up. "What you looking at!? I've had a bad night alright!!?" With all the love and concern I could muster I said.... I s'pose some CHOW is out of the question Stroppyboy?....

In which we discuss Spring and rebirth

I love Spring. I entered Softboy’s life in the Spring. He was in his kitchen when he heard a knock on the door. When he opened it, I bestowed upon him the benefit of my presence. Him and the lady Fitcat who he was with then had four other cats already. It was chow-time, that’s why I picked my time when I did. They got Felix, not supermarket manky-skank. I went into the kitchen and joined the chowdown. Softboy was well impressed as I was only a few weeks old, and all the other cats were giants. He said “He’s like Daniel in the lion’s den. He doesn’t give a toss does he? His-name-what-he-shall-be-called is Daniel.”      
Whatever. He could call me whatever he wanted, as long as he didn’t call me late for chowdown. After chow, I got on his lap and snoozed. My life began that Spring. If you are going to be reborn, do it when nature is working with you. You people seem to want to always change the world, or alter nature. You never have, and you never will. Only your own natures maybe?