Danny the Guru Cat

in which we discuss - excuses

Alright? You might have seen me and Winnie talking about his taking action once in a blue moon on new years eve. If you didn't then get with the programme, coz after today you and him only have 364 days left this year to get your acts together! I made him have the day off today. He was going plastering, but I slept right across the bed and he couldn't get comfortable as Winnie took up most of the rest. That meant the aches and pains he had from doing that ceiling yesterday were still there when he woke up. It's the only way I can focus him, but then he started bitching about being stiff. I got him on the computer to show him some things he needed to see. Share them around a bit. It's not only him that has a head fullof excuses where ideas for activity should be. You might be doing someone a favour passing this on..

cat chat - la luna

I feel really twitchy at the moment, really unsettled and I can't sit still. That's worms. He has pills for that, don't let him see you twitch or he'll look up your butt for worms, then start shoving pills down your neck. I don't have worms. I just feel like something is about to happen and a big change is about to come. Oh. That'll be constipation then. He has stuff for that too, but you're better off eating grass like I do, or he'll take you to the pervert vet who looks up your butt even if you go with earache. He should do summat about him. Oh Danny! Why does everything have to end up being about butts with you? It ain't me, it's that bloody vet. He's a sicko Win I'm telling you! Well he didn't keep looking up my butt when I had to be kept in the Vetspital for my skin problem. No, but you were coming apart at the seams weren't you? No-one with any sense would come near you at that time, 'cept Softy, and he used to get covered in some kind of icky skank off you when he did. Cat plague I think you had. Yes. Well that was then and this is now. It's in the past. I think that's why I feel twitchy. Nah, I'm telling you, it's a flea or summat. He has pills for that too. No, you're wrong. I'm sure it's the phase of the moon.....

winnie's words - l'amour sans frontieres

Hey. Winnie again. Just spent an hour on G's lap while his Lordship was checking his manor. We watched a Gaither xmas show he'd recorded. I've told you about them before, and how he isn't a christian, but he likes the country music. He loves the melodies that a lot of songs don't have anymore. At the end, they had a man playing a carol called Silent Night on what G said was a harmonica. G's eyes were watering. I don't why his eyes were watering as I'm not scabby at the moment, so he shouldn't be allergic to me now. Then he started singing it to me, but in strange words I haven't heard him use before. He said after that even though he doesn't believe the nativity story as it's portrayed, it was still a very important carol, and he'd sung it to me in another language that other people use called German...

in which we discuss - territorial disputes.. "The Showdown"

See this blog? It's mine innit? That's why I really don't like it when I'm out securing my perimeters and Winnie hijacks it with gooey crap. She thought she'd got away with it. I have a chunk of fur in my paw that comes from where the scab is on her head right now, that would suggest otherwise. She's not the only cat who made that mistake with me. Softboy was sorting out his library the other day, and he has a load of Geoff Thompson books. Geoff Thompson should have been a cat, coz he's 'ard, but he'll snooze on his wife Sharon's lap too. While he was sorting the books out, he was listening again to the audio version of Geoff's first book "Watch my back". It was pucker, and I really enjoyed it. You can get it at www.geoffthompson.com Softboy trained a bit with Geoff earlier this year, but he's still a woose. Now me and Geoff, we have stuff in common. We can 'ave it, but we'd rather have a peaceful life. I've had battles too, so I thought I'd write about mine. There used to be a big white and grey moose-like critter that lived around here whose-name-what-they-called-him was Basil. He used to test my boundaries a lot. One day, he pushed the limits, and I unleashed all kinds of hell on his arse. It's known by all the other cats locally as "The showdown"..

Winnie's words - Teechurs

Hey. Winnie here. Excuse me "poking my snout in where it don't belong" as Danny would say, but I've noticed that he and G are back with a vengeance. I'd rather they were just back, and left the vengeance behind. However, you can't teach an old dog new tricks, and you can't teach a cocky cat anything, so I guess I just have to be the balance here. The blog needs balance. Dan can't give it that, because his definition of balance is "being able to walk the whole length of the fence, without slipping off and catching a serious splinter right up your arse". If you look up "uncouth" in the dictionary, you'll see a picture of Dan there.

Anyway, G was checking his e-mails this morning, and he and I were catching some quiet squeeze time whilst "the cat who is too hard for this planet" was venturing out into the garden for the first time in days - as he doesn't like wet and windy weather. G received one of the 'Simple Truth' e-mails, and it made him reminisce.  After watching it, he was telling me about the effect that teachers have on people, and teachers he has met. Some great, some really bad. I didn't quite understand the concept, as we pretty much have to fend for ourselves from a really early age, but I do understand good memories. I feel them when I'm padding-and-purring his chest when we all go to bed. The 'ard one does it too, but don't let him know I told you so. G gets really wistful when he talks about people he's known in the past, he has the Moon in Cancer in the first house forming a grand trine with Neptune in Scorpio and his Sun in Pisces in his tenth house, so he can't really help it he says. It meant nothing to me, but I liked hearing about his people anyway.... and I always love the way he fiddles with my ears when he goes back in time...

in which we discuss - the bride that wore red

He was banging keys yesterday, when he took a call from a friend. She is suffering at the moment from the behaviour of some unscrupulous people who have taken a lot of money from her, and we're not talking enough to buy cases of Scottish smoked salmon here, we're talking enough to buy the lake. She isn't the only one of his friends these people have damaged, there are more. Too many of them. They chatted for a long time, and she said she'd been naive, and she probably felt embarrassed that she'd been gullible. She hadn't been though. She was just a really lovely and trusting person, who is finding it so hard to allow herself to believe that people would purposely do this kind of thing. It sounded like she wanted it all to be a terrible mistake. It isn't, they are just shit people. There are a lot of them about. That's why one bride wore red...

in which we discuss - Identity and self-belief

Who are ya? No, really, who are ya? See me, I'm described by the pervert vet - who takes more interest in my butt than I do - as a "Domestic Short Hair". A common or garden DSH. I fink not! Have a look at the picture, that picture has Cougar written all over it (well, actually it doesn't because he can't do words on top of pictures yet). His Aunty Rose says that when you look in a mirror, you don't usually see what's actually there, you usually see what you feel at the time. When I look in a mirror, I always see Daniel 'Ard Wendes, because I know who I am. I don't need no reflection fool! He doesn't though. He usually sees Gollum, Yoda or Grandad Simpson. To be fair to the jerk, he obviously knows who he is too, cos that's what I see when I look at him for real. He's doing a lot of working out at the moment, but if he's aiming at Van Damme, I still just see Yoda in a frenzy. Steve Rowe of martial arts fame on www.shikon.com said that most people with low self-esteem are "living their lives through the eyes of other people". They feel the need to try and live up to various images they believe they should present in order to be accepted. Dogs do that. Who the hell wants to act like a dog? Do the cat thing dudes. You don't tame us, and we only let you think we are trained when it suits us and we are just winding you in, while really we are manipulating you. Don't think so? Nor did Siegfried and Roy. Whoops. 

In which we discuss Shugyo and medals

He didn't arrive home from last night's work this morning - he burst in the door and threw his work mobile phone across the front room, slung his bag in to the corner. I got off of the most comfortable window sill ever, decided to say hello and jumped up on the worktop to say wassup?  "Do me a favour and don't hassle me now Dan, I really ain't in the mood for it!" And then he went off on one. Winnie nearly broke the catflap on the way out just from looking at his face. Storming up and down he was, using them words that people don't use in polite company - or not that loudly anyway. Banging cupboard doors, then ran upstairs to get changed and started spanking the punchbag so hard and swearing the neighbours must have thought he was being mugged. He came back down to the kitchen where I was reading the paper he'd slung on the top by the kettle. I looked up. "What you looking at!? I've had a bad night alright!!?" With all the love and concern I could muster I said.... I s'pose some CHOW is out of the question Stroppyboy?....

In which we discuss Spring and rebirth

I love Spring. I entered Softboy’s life in the Spring. He was in his kitchen when he heard a knock on the door. When he opened it, I bestowed upon him the benefit of my presence. Him and the lady Fitcat who he was with then had four other cats already. It was chow-time, that’s why I picked my time when I did. They got Felix, not supermarket manky-skank. I went into the kitchen and joined the chowdown. Softboy was well impressed as I was only a few weeks old, and all the other cats were giants. He said “He’s like Daniel in the lion’s den. He doesn’t give a toss does he? His-name-what-he-shall-be-called is Daniel.”      
Whatever. He could call me whatever he wanted, as long as he didn’t call me late for chowdown. After chow, I got on his lap and snoozed. My life began that Spring. If you are going to be reborn, do it when nature is working with you. You people seem to want to always change the world, or alter nature. You never have, and you never will. Only your own natures maybe?