I feel really twitchy at the moment, really unsettled and I can't sit still. That's worms. He has pills for that, don't let him see you twitch or he'll look up your butt for worms, then start shoving pills down your neck. I don't have worms. I just feel like something is about to happen and a big change is about to come. Oh. That'll be constipation then. He has stuff for that too, but you're better off eating grass like I do, or he'll take you to the pervert vet who looks up your butt even if you go with earache. He should do summat about him. Oh Danny! Why does everything have to end up being about butts with you? It ain't me, it's that bloody vet. He's a sicko Win I'm telling you! Well he didn't keep looking up my butt when I had to be kept in the Vetspital for my skin problem. No, but you were coming apart at the seams weren't you? No-one with any sense would come near you at that time, 'cept Softy, and he used to get covered in some kind of icky skank off you when he did. Cat plague I think you had. Yes. Well that was then and this is now. It's in the past. I think that's why I feel twitchy. Nah, I'm telling you, it's a flea or summat. He has pills for that too. No, you're wrong. I'm sure it's the phase of the moon.....
When the Fitcat lived here, she suffered with "Moon-phase" every few weeks, I heard him talking about it. You won't get that kind of moon-phase Win, you've been done, and I strongly suspect if ever he gets another woman in his life - and there must be a desperate or gullible one out there somewhere that will take him on - I think he'll have her done straight away too! It's not that kind of moon-phase. There's a full moon coming up, and it's the second in this month. When there are two full moons in one month, the second is called a "blue moon", that's why some people do things "once in a blue moon" as they don't happen very often. Blimey, where did you get that from? G was telling me when he was doing some astrology stuff the other day. He said that there was a new year coming up, and that this new years eve - which is what the call the night when the old year ends and a new one begins - there was also a blue moon. That's amazing! What, a blue moon? No the fact that you know stuff I didn't tell you. I always thought you were completely stupid, but I may have to upgrade you to 'just really thick'. I do know some things. I don't have trouble remembering things when G tells me, I just don't understand the reasons why people are the way they are, and do the things they do. Nor do I, but I don't care. Their weaknesses are my strength. You can't manipulate strong people, and I like control. Oh yes, like the way you've started controlling the telly remote control? Who told you that? I heard you and G arguing about it the other night. I was on the window cill behind the curtain, and heard him cursing you for hiding it. I didn't hide it, that was a vicious lie. It just happened to go down the side of that sofa cushion. The one you just happened to be sat on? Yeah. I thought so. What was that about? He don't work nights now, does he? So that means he sometimes sits and watches a bit of telly in the evening. He irritates me because he flicks channels all the time constantly moaning about how it's so long since he could sit and watch telly that he'd forgotten how crap it all is. I was allegedly sat on the remote as I wanted to watch QI. I ain't missing my favourite programmes just coz he's about now. He has to share reasonably. You mean he has to watch what you like or lose the remote. I might upgrade you to 'dangerously not as stupid as she looks' you know. I know your tricks. So what was on that was so interesting then? QI. A question gets asked and people try to guess the answer, then this bloke puts them all down by letting them know how clever he is and how stupid they are, even though he is given the answers. I like it coz he's caustic and gets stuck in. He could be a cat. And do you learn from it? No. I already know how be caustic and put people down. I'm a gurucat. You can't be a gurucat if you ain't superior to people Win. No, I meant did you learn any facts about people and their world? Only about how tea drinking kept the Japanese from progression as a nation of inventors. Why, is it poison? I'd be worried for G if it was poison. No, it just meant that it stopped them feeling the need to invent glass, coz they even get pissed out of china cups with their sake rice wine potion. How does not having glass hold a civilisation back? Because it's the only inert material that doesn't react with chemicals when used for tubes and laboratory flasks to do chemical experiments. Why do they need to do those? To invent potions they can make into pills to stick down our throats, and they make glass thermometers for pervert vets to shove up our butts when we just have a headache! Oh dear, butt obsessed again. Is it used for anything else? Yeah, Lenses. Glass disc things that can make lenses for telescopes so they can look closer at the Moon and stuff. Having lenses means they could work out how long all the planets take to go around and come back again, and discover all the ones he uses to do his astro stuff. That's how he uses the knowledge gained to sort things out in life, he learned how to use the knowledge of what the positions of the planets mean. Scientists just look at it all and make stuff up, but he uses the knowledge. So what's a new year mean then? It's when their calender thing - where they count the days - runs out, and they start all over again. So, maybe that's what I'm feeling then? No, it's coz you're a lunatic - a being affected by the phases of the moon - apart from the astrologer type people, most people think they can't be affected by the moon's movements, but their psychologists and doctors note real changes in human behaviour around the times of the full moon, and surgeons even make allowance for additional bleeding when the moon is full. Even the ones who don't "believe" it have to admit there are changes. Dunno why they're so suprised. On some Islands, millions of crabs just dig themselves up out of the sand and go to the sea at exactly the same time, stimulated simply by a phase of the moon. Mammals are largely made of water too, and even though the oceans get shifted all over the place according to the moon, but people think they're above all that. Why do dogs howl at the moon, is that to do with certain phases too? No, it's coz dogs are stupid, and they howl at anything. So what's the anticipation I feel then? You're probably getting it from him. He always gets wound up at this time of year as he sees it as a new year, new start. It's a people thing, but because his life is crap coz he doesn't listen to me enough, he needs a cut-off point and new beginning. Yes, so why's that a bad thing then? At least he's making a new start. No he isn't, he's waiting for a number on a piece of paper to come up before he's getting his butt in gear. That's worse than relying on the lottery. At least the lottery is weekly, new years eve only happens once a year. Don't you see how stupid that is? He loses days all the time anyway. The jerk has to have an atomic radio clock in the kitchen to tell him what bloody day it is, never mind what year! The numbers on that piece of paper mean jack. If he lost it, he wouldn't know when the old year ended and a new one began. What's that tell you? I don't know you're confusing me now. Blimey. Don't ever go on QI, that bloke will make mincemeat out of you. Look, starting a new life, a new job, a new outlook, a new diet, a new regime of any kind just needs a START, not a start DATE. New years eve is a cop out. It means he only has to get sorted one day a year - if the jerk actually remembers what day it falls on. But if he just gets a hold of his self, and his life, and he just listens to me, HE CAN START ANY DAY OF THE YEAR, ANY YEAR HE WANTS! It scares me to say, that makes perfect sense to me. You're just trying to get higher up the stupid rankings. No, it makes sense that numbers on a piece of paper are an irrelevance. An action based on a decision makes the difference, not the date. Helloooo Winnie! Welcome to Dan's world. Do you see now why he gives me the hump and I ride him so hard? I don't agree with it, but I understand it better. Good, coz his bit of paper will tell him that this year on new years eve the blue moon is full at 19:14 on the 31st, in Cancer at 10 degrees 15, the same sign as his moon in his birth chart. That's also what's called 'in conjunction' with his moon, which means it is close enough to where the moon is in his birth chart to be acting together. Maybe this time, this year, he really is going to move our lives seriously closer to Scottish smoked salmon! He got us cod fish from the chip shop tonight, and you turned your nose up and went and ate biscuits! Because I didn't ask for cod fish did I? I want Scottish smoked salmon! He only gets his act together when the emotion is right in him. Well it will be on this new years eve as the moon rules the emotions, and this time - for once in a blue moon - I just have this feeling too that he's going to make it happen this year! What happens if he doesn't. This happens. OWW! You just slashed me! Yeah. Go show him that, and tell him I just read his future in his ephemeris book, and that's how it will be - but like all astrological influences, he can use the influence to change his future and keep his skin in exchange for proper fish, from Scotland, in Salmon form, and smoked in a shed somehwere up a mountain. You are so sick. Don't blame me, it's the moon. Feel less twitchy now? Yes thank you. Good. That flea must have gone to sleep then.
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