Danny the Guru Cat

Cat chat - The birds

I thought you were bad for what you did to the daisy, but you really have stooped to a new low haven't you? Oh don't start. What is your issue this time? Birds. Birds? What all birds or any particular birds? Two birds. Two very dead young birds. Don't know anything about any dead birds. Birds he's been feeding and nurturing all winter. No he hasn't, they were young, he's been feeding the parents all winter, they wouldn't have been born until a couple of weeks ago.... generally speaking of course.... I still don't know what you're talking about. How could you Danny, how could you just do that to two poor little birds who hadn't even tasted life yet? He should be grateful. He's on his own, and it's the first pair of Tits he's had his hands on for a long time. Anyway, I'm a cat. It's what I do, and I didn't just go and do anything, it took a lot of preparation, and stealth, and skill, and timing, you know, waiting for the opportunity and being ready to go, and talking of tasty..... Do not go there! Look, I was following his lead wasn't I? It's all about health and safety legislation and Darwinism, you must have heard him rant on about that. Not unusually I haven't the faintest idea what you're on about, but I'm sure you'll enlighten me...... 

in which we discuss - love n trees

Us cats love trees (yeah, I know that should be "we" cats love trees, but it's my blog, so live with it ok?). We hunt from them, rest in them, observe from them and leave messages on them. You see us scratching our scratchy posts, and you think we are "sharpening our claws". A human told you that crap, not a cat. You blunt things by hacking trees with them, you don't sharpen them. When birds wipe their beaks on branches, they aren't sharpening them either. They do it because they have to wipe worm skank off of them, and they don't have sleeves. We leave messages on trees with a kind of feline braille, and by leaving pheromones behind. Dogs pee up them. That's because dogs are a bit neanderthal, and plain gross. You people think it's cute how we do the natural stuff because you think you're a bit above all that. Shyeah, right. There's more to trees than meets the eye, and you lot are more like us than you realise. Like Daisies are a metaphor for life (see Cat Chat), trees are a metaphor for love, but you lot already knew that didn't you......?

in which we discuss - Identity and self-belief

Who are ya? No, really, who are ya? See me, I'm described by the pervert vet - who takes more interest in my butt than I do - as a "Domestic Short Hair". A common or garden DSH. I fink not! Have a look at the picture, that picture has Cougar written all over it (well, actually it doesn't because he can't do words on top of pictures yet). His Aunty Rose says that when you look in a mirror, you don't usually see what's actually there, you usually see what you feel at the time. When I look in a mirror, I always see Daniel 'Ard Wendes, because I know who I am. I don't need no reflection fool! He doesn't though. He usually sees Gollum, Yoda or Grandad Simpson. To be fair to the jerk, he obviously knows who he is too, cos that's what I see when I look at him for real. He's doing a lot of working out at the moment, but if he's aiming at Van Damme, I still just see Yoda in a frenzy. Steve Rowe of martial arts fame on www.shikon.com said that most people with low self-esteem are "living their lives through the eyes of other people". They feel the need to try and live up to various images they believe they should present in order to be accepted. Dogs do that. Who the hell wants to act like a dog? Do the cat thing dudes. You don't tame us, and we only let you think we are trained when it suits us and we are just winding you in, while really we are manipulating you. Don't think so? Nor did Siegfried and Roy. Whoops. 

in which we discuss - motivation

He was looking through a load of posts on the googlegroup he's a part of at www.themoneygym.com the other day. There was a load of stuff on there about motivation. He told me I motivate him to get out of bed and go to work by digging my claws in his face, or scratching his arm when he's being stubborn, or punching him in the eye when he's really determined not to move. He loves that. Not. Anyway, I don't motivate him. I can't. ALL motivation is self-motivation in the end, and try as you might, if someone does not want to play ball then they won't. That must mean they have to want to play ball then? Yeah, always, for one reason or another, and to a greater or lesser degree or another. I'll explain how I see it, but I have to get him to write this all down here for you, it's the only way it sticks in his head. If your average brain has a quad processor running at 2gig, his head is more your Atari. (The only reason he can type at all is because he did some building work on a research establishment once, and one of the chimps taught him.)