Danny the Guru Cat

In which we discuss Cat Mandu's Big Issue (2)

Right, listen up again. Mandu found a home, and his people went abroad. Thanks to all the people who cared. Sometimes life makes decisions for you that you don't like, but what can you do? Roll with the punches, and look to the light. People don't like change any more than cats.... or dogs. There was a dog found sat in a yard howling once. Really yelling, but not moving. A lot of people asked the farmer that owned the dog why he was howling. He just shrugged. "Dunno."

After some time, the dog got up and wandered off. It had been sat on a plank of wood with a sharp nail sticking out that must have been stuck in the dog's butt. An onlooker said to the farmer "That dog was just howling because it was sat on a nail and in real pain. Why didn't it just get up and get moving earlier, rather than just sit there howling?" The farmer took a drag on his pipe and answered "Reckon it just wasn't painful enough." People can be a bit like that with their lives.... and loves.

In which we discuss Shugyo and medals

He didn't arrive home from last night's work this morning - he burst in the door and threw his work mobile phone across the front room, slung his bag in to the corner. I got off of the most comfortable window sill ever, decided to say hello and jumped up on the worktop to say wassup?  "Do me a favour and don't hassle me now Dan, I really ain't in the mood for it!" And then he went off on one. Winnie nearly broke the catflap on the way out just from looking at his face. Storming up and down he was, using them words that people don't use in polite company - or not that loudly anyway. Banging cupboard doors, then ran upstairs to get changed and started spanking the punchbag so hard and swearing the neighbours must have thought he was being mugged. He came back down to the kitchen where I was reading the paper he'd slung on the top by the kettle. I looked up. "What you looking at!? I've had a bad night alright!!?" With all the love and concern I could muster I said.... I s'pose some CHOW is out of the question Stroppyboy?....

Winnie's words - a love story

Hello, it's Winnie. I just sneaked in while Dan is out owning the neighbourhood. I just wanted to say that he is very uncouth, rude, abrupt and sometimes just plain insufferable - but I love him because it's what makes him Dan. I think he's too hard on G. I won't use his-name-what-they-call-him as I don't want to embarass him, but I'm certainly not calling him 'Softboy'. That is just so rude! He's kind to us, and sometimes when Dan isn't owning the house, we get some squeeze time. The other day he was looking through some old photos. He saw I was interested (I was sat on the coffee table next to him) and he told me a story. It was a love story. I asked him to share it...

In which we discuss managers

He was talking about managers the other day. He was saying how there is a culture where he works of shouting down the line rather than listening. He won't play the game he said. He could, I've heard him yell. He said that as things are getting tight, and the top management is being moved around, a lot of the people that were in one political downline are now finding themselves exposed, and having to adopt the behaviours of those above them to survive. I told him that's normal. It ain't right and it ain't effective, but it's normal.

He said he wasn't going to get into that kind of culture as it was counter productive. I told him that's because I've trained him to be a Cat manager - but as cat executive, I still get the comfy chair. They're Dog and Sheep managers I said. He went blank like I was trying to explain Fermat's Last Theorem, or E=MC2. He does that a lot. Sometimes i think he's not all there....

In which we discuss buts and butts

So there he was, sat in the usual position a few inches from the screen, chin rested on his hands and elbows by the keyboard. The thinking man - not. What's the problem this time then?

"Dan, I know I have to commit to this, BUT I dunno if I can justify the money. I might be out of a job soon, and I dunno where I'll get the money to bring home the fish." Yeah, blame me why don't you? You have commitment impotence, and it's my fault because you're scared you won't be able to fill my chow bowl. I'm a cat mate. I eat your chow because it's the easy life. If you can't hack it, don't worry about me, I'll go slaughter something a lot fresher for meself. You couldn't do that though could you? Softboy.

"What do you reckon Dan? I have to do it, BUT there's other stuff I should do too." Prioritise?? Do one thing at a time instead of copping out of everything?? It amazes me they let you drive a car you're so bloody indecisive! Ooh yeah, scratch me there ooooh...

"I tell you what, I've made me mind up, I'm going for it!"

In which we discuss Spring and rebirth

I love Spring. I entered Softboy’s life in the Spring. He was in his kitchen when he heard a knock on the door. When he opened it, I bestowed upon him the benefit of my presence. Him and the lady Fitcat who he was with then had four other cats already. It was chow-time, that’s why I picked my time when I did. They got Felix, not supermarket manky-skank. I went into the kitchen and joined the chowdown. Softboy was well impressed as I was only a few weeks old, and all the other cats were giants. He said “He’s like Daniel in the lion’s den. He doesn’t give a toss does he? His-name-what-he-shall-be-called is Daniel.”      
Whatever. He could call me whatever he wanted, as long as he didn’t call me late for chowdown. After chow, I got on his lap and snoozed. My life began that Spring. If you are going to be reborn, do it when nature is working with you. You people seem to want to always change the world, or alter nature. You never have, and you never will. Only your own natures maybe?                                                              

Hello. I'm Dan. I'm a cat... with a blog... and an attitude... get over it.

 So you want to know how a cat writes a blog don't you? I don't, do I? Cats have a saying, "why keep people and do stuff yourself". I share a house with my half-sister whose name-what-they-call-her is Winnie. We rent a bit of the bed to a bloke who keeps us in fish, Felix and Iams. And Winnie eats cheese. She thinks if she has cheese on her breath mice will walk in. Gotta have a dream Win.

So why the blog? Because he's a Softboy, and he doesn't do life very well. We are mentoring him to build a better life because we truly believe in him and care about him, we think he is very talented and we want to see him fulfill his true potential. No we don't. We just think we should live a fresh Scottish smoked salmon lifestyle rather than a skanky value tinned tuna one. If we sort him out, life gets better for us. It's a no-brainer... a bit like him. Read on.....