Danny the Guru Cat

Hello. I'm Dan. I'm a cat... with a blog... and an attitude... get over it.

 So you want to know how a cat writes a blog don't you? I don't, do I? Cats have a saying, "why keep people and do stuff yourself". I share a house with my half-sister whose name-what-they-call-her is Winnie. We rent a bit of the bed to a bloke who keeps us in fish, Felix and Iams. And Winnie eats cheese. She thinks if she has cheese on her breath mice will walk in. Gotta have a dream Win.

So why the blog? Because he's a Softboy, and he doesn't do life very well. We are mentoring him to build a better life because we truly believe in him and care about him, we think he is very talented and we want to see him fulfill his true potential. No we don't. We just think we should live a fresh Scottish smoked salmon lifestyle rather than a skanky value tinned tuna one. If we sort him out, life gets better for us. It's a no-brainer... a bit like him. Read on.....

in which we discuss - excuses

Alright? You might have seen me and Winnie talking about his taking action once in a blue moon on new years eve. If you didn't then get with the programme, coz after today you and him only have 364 days left this year to get your acts together! I made him have the day off today. He was going plastering, but I slept right across the bed and he couldn't get comfortable as Winnie took up most of the rest. That meant the aches and pains he had from doing that ceiling yesterday were still there when he woke up. It's the only way I can focus him, but then he started bitching about being stiff. I got him on the computer to show him some things he needed to see. Share them around a bit. It's not only him that has a head fullof excuses where ideas for activity should be. You might be doing someone a favour passing this on..

cat chat - la luna

I feel really twitchy at the moment, really unsettled and I can't sit still. That's worms. He has pills for that, don't let him see you twitch or he'll look up your butt for worms, then start shoving pills down your neck. I don't have worms. I just feel like something is about to happen and a big change is about to come. Oh. That'll be constipation then. He has stuff for that too, but you're better off eating grass like I do, or he'll take you to the pervert vet who looks up your butt even if you go with earache. He should do summat about him. Oh Danny! Why does everything have to end up being about butts with you? It ain't me, it's that bloody vet. He's a sicko Win I'm telling you! Well he didn't keep looking up my butt when I had to be kept in the Vetspital for my skin problem. No, but you were coming apart at the seams weren't you? No-one with any sense would come near you at that time, 'cept Softy, and he used to get covered in some kind of icky skank off you when he did. Cat plague I think you had. Yes. Well that was then and this is now. It's in the past. I think that's why I feel twitchy. Nah, I'm telling you, it's a flea or summat. He has pills for that too. No, you're wrong. I'm sure it's the phase of the moon.....

winnie's words - l'amour sans frontieres

Hey. Winnie again. Just spent an hour on G's lap while his Lordship was checking his manor. We watched a Gaither xmas show he'd recorded. I've told you about them before, and how he isn't a christian, but he likes the country music. He loves the melodies that a lot of songs don't have anymore. At the end, they had a man playing a carol called Silent Night on what G said was a harmonica. G's eyes were watering. I don't why his eyes were watering as I'm not scabby at the moment, so he shouldn't be allergic to me now. Then he started singing it to me, but in strange words I haven't heard him use before. He said after that even though he doesn't believe the nativity story as it's portrayed, it was still a very important carol, and he'd sung it to me in another language that other people use called German...

in which we discuss - fkn txt spk

He's finished working on the Underground now. I hate it, coz he's chilled right out and don't rant nearly as much as he used to, and I do so love his rants. He does have one regular gripe that came up again over xmas, coz everyone was texting him. He hates text speak. He even hates writing 'don't' instead of 'doesn't' in the context above, but it's how he speaks so I make him do it. He really hates writing coz instead of 'because' as well, but I make him do that too COZ he's soft, and COZ of that I make him do whatever I want and he DON'T even know it! Anyway, he got tons (or tonnes if you're reading this in foreign) of texts from people. He had to save them all to answer them, coz he's the only jerk left on the planet that replies with 'big words' and even puts in the punctuation where it should go. "Thanks for a lovely day" can take him half an hour to text. He has virtually zero thumb dexterity, and he still has to poke his tongue out as he looks for keys like he does when he's colouring in. Sometimes I help him half way through a text, and that's when he does magic - and makes a phone fly...

in which we discuss - territorial disputes.. "The Showdown"

See this blog? It's mine innit? That's why I really don't like it when I'm out securing my perimeters and Winnie hijacks it with gooey crap. She thought she'd got away with it. I have a chunk of fur in my paw that comes from where the scab is on her head right now, that would suggest otherwise. She's not the only cat who made that mistake with me. Softboy was sorting out his library the other day, and he has a load of Geoff Thompson books. Geoff Thompson should have been a cat, coz he's 'ard, but he'll snooze on his wife Sharon's lap too. While he was sorting the books out, he was listening again to the audio version of Geoff's first book "Watch my back". It was pucker, and I really enjoyed it. You can get it at www.geoffthompson.com Softboy trained a bit with Geoff earlier this year, but he's still a woose. Now me and Geoff, we have stuff in common. We can 'ave it, but we'd rather have a peaceful life. I've had battles too, so I thought I'd write about mine. There used to be a big white and grey moose-like critter that lived around here whose-name-what-they-called-him was Basil. He used to test my boundaries a lot. One day, he pushed the limits, and I unleashed all kinds of hell on his arse. It's known by all the other cats locally as "The showdown"..

Winnie's words - Teechurs

Hey. Winnie here. Excuse me "poking my snout in where it don't belong" as Danny would say, but I've noticed that he and G are back with a vengeance. I'd rather they were just back, and left the vengeance behind. However, you can't teach an old dog new tricks, and you can't teach a cocky cat anything, so I guess I just have to be the balance here. The blog needs balance. Dan can't give it that, because his definition of balance is "being able to walk the whole length of the fence, without slipping off and catching a serious splinter right up your arse". If you look up "uncouth" in the dictionary, you'll see a picture of Dan there.

Anyway, G was checking his e-mails this morning, and he and I were catching some quiet squeeze time whilst "the cat who is too hard for this planet" was venturing out into the garden for the first time in days - as he doesn't like wet and windy weather. G received one of the 'Simple Truth' e-mails, and it made him reminisce.  After watching it, he was telling me about the effect that teachers have on people, and teachers he has met. Some great, some really bad. I didn't quite understand the concept, as we pretty much have to fend for ourselves from a really early age, but I do understand good memories. I feel them when I'm padding-and-purring his chest when we all go to bed. The 'ard one does it too, but don't let him know I told you so. G gets really wistful when he talks about people he's known in the past, he has the Moon in Cancer in the first house forming a grand trine with Neptune in Scorpio and his Sun in Pisces in his tenth house, so he can't really help it he says. It meant nothing to me, but I liked hearing about his people anyway.... and I always love the way he fiddles with my ears when he goes back in time...

in which we discuss - the bride that wore red

He was banging keys yesterday, when he took a call from a friend. She is suffering at the moment from the behaviour of some unscrupulous people who have taken a lot of money from her, and we're not talking enough to buy cases of Scottish smoked salmon here, we're talking enough to buy the lake. She isn't the only one of his friends these people have damaged, there are more. Too many of them. They chatted for a long time, and she said she'd been naive, and she probably felt embarrassed that she'd been gullible. She hadn't been though. She was just a really lovely and trusting person, who is finding it so hard to allow herself to believe that people would purposely do this kind of thing. It sounded like she wanted it all to be a terrible mistake. It isn't, they are just shit people. There are a lot of them about. That's why one bride wore red...

We're back!

C'mon, fess up, you've missed me aintcha? Me and him had a discussion today. I need to get his ass moving now, I don't intend to eat Crappofin Super-Value Tuna flavoured mush out of a can no more. It may be dolphin friendly, but it ain't no friend of mine. Winnie eats it, but she's a scag. She eats spud peelings up the garden too - eeyuoogh...

Right, so what's been the hold up then? Him, innit? Has a million ideas a second, and takes an action a year. So we had this discussion, let's just say it got a bit heated, ok very heated, look, he takes loads of vitamin C and zinc OK? The wounds are bound to stop oozing soon. Winnie tried to interfere like she does, and I had to remonstrate with her. A shorter tail suits her. So there we were, chatting loudly, when I told him that there is a difference between him and a writer. Writers write. He don't. Did I say this was going be rocket science 101??

Cat chat - The birds

I thought you were bad for what you did to the daisy, but you really have stooped to a new low haven't you? Oh don't start. What is your issue this time? Birds. Birds? What all birds or any particular birds? Two birds. Two very dead young birds. Don't know anything about any dead birds. Birds he's been feeding and nurturing all winter. No he hasn't, they were young, he's been feeding the parents all winter, they wouldn't have been born until a couple of weeks ago.... generally speaking of course.... I still don't know what you're talking about. How could you Danny, how could you just do that to two poor little birds who hadn't even tasted life yet? He should be grateful. He's on his own, and it's the first pair of Tits he's had his hands on for a long time. Anyway, I'm a cat. It's what I do, and I didn't just go and do anything, it took a lot of preparation, and stealth, and skill, and timing, you know, waiting for the opportunity and being ready to go, and talking of tasty..... Do not go there! Look, I was following his lead wasn't I? It's all about health and safety legislation and Darwinism, you must have heard him rant on about that. Not unusually I haven't the faintest idea what you're on about, but I'm sure you'll enlighten me...... 

in which we discuss - love n trees

Us cats love trees (yeah, I know that should be "we" cats love trees, but it's my blog, so live with it ok?). We hunt from them, rest in them, observe from them and leave messages on them. You see us scratching our scratchy posts, and you think we are "sharpening our claws". A human told you that crap, not a cat. You blunt things by hacking trees with them, you don't sharpen them. When birds wipe their beaks on branches, they aren't sharpening them either. They do it because they have to wipe worm skank off of them, and they don't have sleeves. We leave messages on trees with a kind of feline braille, and by leaving pheromones behind. Dogs pee up them. That's because dogs are a bit neanderthal, and plain gross. You people think it's cute how we do the natural stuff because you think you're a bit above all that. Shyeah, right. There's more to trees than meets the eye, and you lot are more like us than you realise. Like Daisies are a metaphor for life (see Cat Chat), trees are a metaphor for love, but you lot already knew that didn't you......?